Herpes

Now that I have your attention, I have an announcement to make (and no, I'm not engaged)...

I have made a ground breaking discovery. I have uncovered the truth about the virus that plagues so many. I have revealed a fascinating medical fact about men. I feel like the most brilliant female scientist to ever grace this planet with her beautiful presence. I have figured it all out. I'm going to be famous.

It is with great pride that I share this with all of you....

Assholes are like herpes.

Yes, it's a strange comparison, I admit. So, let me explain my findings.

First of all, all men are carriers of the Asshole Virus. Let's call it AHV for short. It's something genetic, I believe. Somewhere in their chromosomal composition, there is a little recipe for AHV. It's in all men. The thing is, much like herpes, any man can go on living a happy, fulfilled, healthy life while experiencing very few symptomatic outbreaks. Some men are actually able to lead an entire life without experiencing one AHV outbreak. However, this is extremely rare. There has only ever been one documented case. Most men, on the other hand, will have regular flare-ups. They may go for short or even extended periods of time leading loving, communicative relationships, but them BAM! AHV breaks out! Some men will lead their entire life with chronic AHV - red, inflamed, blisters of complete assholeness (not returning phone calls, acting like a whiney little bitch, selfishness, only communicating via text message, flaking out on plans, lying, cheating, drugs, abuse.. the list goes on). Not only are the outbreaks painful for the man experiencing them, but they are about 75% more painful and emotionally exhausting for his partner.

Much like Herpes Simplex, AHV is triggered by a few known things:
-Stress: a new job, financial worries, etc.
-Cold, flu, change in the immune system: we all know men are babies when they are sick. It only makes sense that they would turn into complete assholes too.
-Hormonal changes: when they are into someone, involved with a woman who they actually LIKE, love or care about... the hormones go wild. Yes that's right ladies, sometimes the worst cases of AHV are exhibited in men who actually care about you. This is terrifying.
-Trauma to the affected area: Trauma to the head- football, motorbike accident, you get the point.
But here's the really scary thing about AHV.... sometimes there is no apparent cause.

I've also discovered that once a man gets an outbreak or two, the outbreaks become less frequent and less often. This would explain why older men usually suffer less from AHV. AHV will usually present itself in adolescent men, and after several AHV outbreaks in their 20's, the symptoms seem to be less apparent in their 30's.

Now again, I'm not being a man hater. I mean, who am I to judge? Plus, this is all based on PURE scientific fact. And you know what? Nobody is perfect... women all have the Crazy Virus. The thing is is that women deal with this virus much more effectively than men deal with AHV. You see, I know when my Crazy Virus is rearing it's ugly little head. I know what aggravates it. I know when it's getting bad. I know how to control it.

So the point is is that all men have it in them. Every man is capable of being an asshole. Some are just better at knowing how to control it. And in some, you would never even know they had the asshole capabilities in them - their AHV may remain dormant their entire life. I guess what I'm saying is that it's not our job as single women to weed out the assholes, it's our job to understand, acknowledge and accept that all men, at some point or another, will have the tendency to be an asshole. I guess all we can do is try to control our own Crazy Virus, in hopes of finding a man who can control his AHV.

My team of scientists and I are currently working on a cure. I will keep you posted with my discoveries.

Yours in health.