Cuddles, anyone?

Can friends cuddle?

I don't think so. Which is a shame, because I am a big-time cuddler. But I think friends cuddling is dangerous territory. My other friends seem to think it's ok. Maybe it's ok with clear guidelines and honest communication, but I think at some point, somebody is going to want to do more than cuddle. And there's a reason that you're only friends in the first place, so why would you ruin your perfectly functional friendship with a cuddle disaster? Cuddling is a slippery slope, I say. It's like a gateway drug. You cuddle one night, and the next night you're shooting heroine. Or screwing your friend. You get my point.

So, the moral of the story: practice safe cuddling. Communication is key.
I'm still not going to do it though.

And one more little tidbit of humour for this gloomy Tuesday morning. I will now decode and translate my most recent match.com message:

Hi Sweetie, [Don't call me sweetie, you jackass. You don't even know me. Not ok.]

I really liked your profile. [Really? Did you even read it? What did you like so much?]
You sure have the nicest smile I've seen in a long time. [LAME. Are you serious? That's the best you can do for a compliment?]
Let's chat. [In your dreams.]
I'll show you a good time sometime. [Yeah, I bet, you perv.]

Talk to you soon, [Mmm.. nope!]

Jonny
(username: FunGspot69)

And in case you've been wondering why I was such a negative bitch about this message, this is why, my friends! Anyone with the numbers 69 in their username is instantly disqualified. This username is especially terrible because those two digits are combined with the word "G Spot." Are you kidding me? Who comes up with this shit?

So I think I'm going to start a business. All hopeless, pathetic, clueless guys with no style, no social skills and absolutely no manners... please call me. For a small fee of $250 I will take your profile pictures, make you the best fucking online profile known to man, take you shopping for your date outfit, help you plan your first date, and send you on your way into romance.

Ladies, you can thank me later.